A couple months ago, I read a book that completely rejuvenated me as an autism Dad. The relationship I had with my son was suffering and this book really helped me reconnect with him.
The book I am talking about is called, The Reason I Jump, and it helped me in a number of different ways and I will discuss each of them in this article.
“The Reason I Jump” did 3 things for me, It…
- Showed me how my reactions and my stress affected my son.
- Helped me better understand him.
- Solidified my belief in our approach to his autism treatment.
About The Reason I Jump:
This book is written by Naoki Higashida, a 13-year-old boy with autism. It’s in a question and answer format. Basically, the author answers questions that many people wonder about autism; like why do they jump so much (hence the title of the book).
It’s a very easy read. It only took me a few hours to finish. It was first recommended to me during an interview I with another autism Dad, Ken Siri (AKA Big Daddy Autism & author of 101 Tips For Parents Of Boys With Autism). You can watch that interview below if you wish.
I strongly recommend “The Reason I Jump” to all autism parents, siblings, and grandparents too. Furthermore, anyone who frequently interacts with the autism population should also read this book.
Disclaimer
Autism is a spectrum disorder. Therefore, there is a wide range of perspectives and interpretations that people with autism have. The Reason I Jump should not be taken as a one-size-fits-all take on autism.
For one thing, the author is still very much a kid. Despite thinking they know everything, kids have limited knowledge and experience. Thus, you should keep that in mind while reading this book.
While this is an incredible opportunity to better understand our kids, also keep in mind that one person with autism cannot begin to describe the perceptions, challenges, thoughts, and feelings of ALL people with autism.
There were also several times I completely disagreed with the author. I would say to myself, “I don’t think that’s how my son feels, or I don’t think that is true for Ethan”.
As I said, this is only one perspective, and not everyone with autism will feel the same way.
Top 3 Lessons Learned From The Reason I Jump
#1 It showed me how my reactions and my stress affected my son.
My son had been having an increase in challenging behaviors, meltdowns, and aggression for many months. I began having trouble handling the stress of these issues after a couple months.
As a result, I became stressed out, and borderline depressed. Honestly, there was no borderline. I was depressed which meant I had less patience and was more prone to respond in frustration and anger.
There were many passages in this book that gave me a different point of view. It showed me how my son felt knowing that I was upset because of him.
Here are the 2 most impactful quotes from The Reason I Jump:
“The hardest ordeal for us is the idea that we are causing grief for other people. We can put up with our own hardships, but the thought of our lives being the source of other people’s unhappiness, that’s plain unbearable.”
“We know we’re making you sad and upset, but it’s as if we don’t have any say in it. I’m afraid that’s the way it is. But, please don’t give up on us. We need your help.”
I felt like I had failed my son, and I was ashamed. These two passages snapped me out of my “woe-is-me” funk, and allowed me reconnect me with my son. I wrote an entirely separate article on this if you’re interested. (How One Dad Broke Free From Shame & Failure)
Top 3 Lessons Learned From The Reason I Jump
#2 Helped me better understand my son.
One of the things my son does is repeatedly ask for something over and over and over again.
For Example
While snacking on blueberries, he asks for more, and by ask I mean he says berry, berry, berry. (he has limited language)
When I told him the berries were all gone, and showed him the empty container, he continues saying berry, berry, berry. After a few attempts he begins melting down and more loudly says berry berry berry.
This can continue for up to an hour and the intensity varies from super sad with real tears to super angry with aggressive behaviors. These behaviors range from kicking or headbutting the walls to biting himself or slapping himself in the head. Occasionally, this aggression gets directed at the person closest to him.
This kind of thing didn’t only happen with food, but also with the TV, his iPad, or during schoolwork. Essentially, any time he was told no. This was happening an increasing number of times and the intensity was increasing as well.
I began to wonder why does he keep asking me the same thing. I know he understands what I am saying to him, but why won’t he stop escalating like this.
The Book To The Rescue Again
There were a few specific passages in the book where the author mentioned something like this. You’ll find a couple quotes below, but essentially it told me kids with autism can forget what they heard right after they hear it. At least, that is my interpretation and it’s how I now think of it.
“I very quickly forget what it is I’ve just heard. Inside my head, there really isn’t a big difference between what I was just told now and what I heard a long, long time ago.”
When my son is stuck like a broken record, I remind myself that he may not remember that I just told him no or the reason I gave. I’ll be patient with his request for about 5 minutes. Then, if needed, I work to distract him and get him thinking of something else.
Another Example:
Here’s another thing that drove me crazy. I would ask something of Ethan, my son, and he would ignore me. I patiently and calmly repeating myself 5-10 times, but he never would respond.
Inevitably, I’d raise my voice or yell and he would finally respond. I hated it when I would lose my cool and yell at my son. Like I said earlier, I was depressed and not doing well myself. It was tough to keep my patience.
The Book To The Rescue Again
Here are 2 more quotes that showed me my son wasn’t just being an a** and ignoring me even though it felt that way.
“A major headache for me is that when someone’s right here in front of me, I still don’t notice when they’re talking to me.”
“When looking at a dandelion in front of you, you don’t notice the beauty of a mountain range far away. To us, people’s voices are a bit like that. It’s very difficult for us to know someone’s talking to us.”
“Q: Why do you take so long to answer questions:
A: The reason we need so much time isn’t necessarily because we didn’t understand, but because by the time it’s time for us to speak, the answer we want to say just upped and vanished from our heads.”
Once I understood that it was a matter of him not really hearing me and not him ignoring me, I changed my attitude about this. I understood that I had to get his attention and really make sure he knew I was talking to him.
Sure, occasionally, he’ll ignore me when I know he understood and heard what I said. But, all kids do that, and it is not nearly as frequent as I once thought it was. Therefore, I’m able to keep my patience much better.
Top 3 Lessons Learned From The Reason I Jump
#3 It solidified my belief in our approach to his autism treatment.
Hear Me Out
This is probably going to be somewhat controversial especially if you’ve this is your first time visiting my website. Since very early in this journey, we have always taken a holistic approach to Ethan’s autism treatment.
We believe there are medical issues driving his challenges. After hearing this 13 year old describe his life, I am even more convinced this is the right approach.
The author repeatedly describes situations where he has no control over his own body and never feeling comfortable in his body.
- “We don’t have proper control over our bodies.”
- “I have no clear sensation of where my arms and legs are attached or how to make them do what I’m telling them to do.”
- “I’m always struggling inside my own body.”
Never At Ease
The author also repeatedly talks about being uncomfortable and anxious. Whether in social settings, familiar settings, somewhere new, or inside their own bodies, they are uneasy. Not some of the time. All of the time.
- “People with autism never, ever feel at ease.”
- “People with autism obsess over certain things because we’d go crazy if we didn’t. By performing whatever action it is, we feel soothed and calmed down.”
- “When I’m not moving, it feels as if my soul is detaching itself from my body and this makes me jumpy and scared.”
People With Autism Are Depressed
One of the hardest things to hear as an autism Dad is that kids with autism are sad. They’re not just unhappy, but miserable.
According to the author:
- “Really, you have no idea how miserable we are.”
- “It’s always a struggle just to survive. This feeling is what brings on panic attacks or meltdowns.”
Imagine hearing your child say these things, but then simply saying, “I know, but that’s just the way it is kiddo.”
To me, this is what people are saying to those with autism when they push for acceptance only. Most reject the idea that many of these symptoms (and others) have a medical cause or trigger causing these symptoms to be better or worse.
On The Other Hand
Conversely, those that do push for acceptance only, will say that it’s my fault people with autism are depressed. They say that because people like me try to “fix their kid” it makes them feel broken and thus makes them feel unwanted, unloved, and without value. This is a valid point.
There are plenty of high functioning autistic people who have voiced this very feeling. It’s quite sad that they feel this way, and I do hate to hear it. Let me assure you, this is not our intent and we certainly love our kids- Very much so!
It’s our love for them that drives us to try everything within our power to help their brains function better, to help them feel more comfortable in their own bodies, and to just plain help them feel better.
Our intent is not to fix the kids. It is to help them become the best version of themselves they can possibly be. That is a parent’s job after all.
Top 3 Lessons Learned From The Reason I Jump
In Conclusion
No matter your viewpoint on how autism should or should not be treated, The Reason I Jump is a must read for all parents, grandparents, and siblings.
Friends, extended family members, & teachers should really consider spending an hour to at least skim through this book. It will help you better understand why the kid with autism does the things he does and also what the child and his/her family is going through.
Finally
The Reason I Jump is translated from Japanese to English. The translation is actually done by two people with a poetry background, which could explain why the words in this book are so elegant.
I do think that the translators did take some liberties to make things sound more impactful, and may not 100% accurately reflect the author’s original thoughts.
One last thing must be said before I wrap up my review of this book. The Reason I Jump should not be viewed as a definitive guide to autism.
Sure, it is written by a teenager with autism, but it’s only from his perspective. Autism or not, everyone has a different way of viewing the world. Likewise, kids with autism don’t all have the same experiences, outlook, or challenges.
Having said that:
The book is a wonderful peak into the minds of people with autism. It certainly helped me reconnect with my son at a time I desperately needed it. I am confident you will get a lot of it as well.
*This post contains Amazon affiliate links that allow me to earn a small commision at no cost to you.
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