Breaking Free From Shame & Failure As An Autism Dad
I hate to admit this, but my relationship with my 12 year old son with autism had been suffering for many months. With this tension, my happiness and mental health were suffering as well.
It felt like our relationship was continuing its downward trajectory with no end in site. I knew I had to do something to change course. That’s when I decided to look for help, and I am so thankful I found it.
Breaking Free From Shame & Failure As An Autism Dad
My Relationship With My Son
When I say my relationship with my son was suffering, I don’t mean that we weren’t speaking to one another, or anything like that. My son, Ethan, is actually on the severe end on the spectrum. He doesn’t read, write, or attend regular school.
The words he does speak are not easily understood by people not close to him. In fact, sometimes my wife and I can’t determine what it is he’s trying to say.
Father/Son Bond
Despite those challenges, Ethan and I have always had a close relationship. He knows how much I love him, and I know he loves me too. Even though he has never said it without prompting, he has shown it through his actions.
Flopping on my lap anytime I sit down, jumping on my back and saying Daddy run, pulling me down to his bed as he says blanket, blanket (his way of saying come snuggle with me), and the smile he gives me when I get home are all ways that my son shows me he loves me.
I feel his love, and he can feel mine. Sadly, over the passed several months that tight bond we felt was pulling away.
Breaking Free From Shame & Failure As An Autism Dad
Autism Is Hard
Autism is hard. It’s hard on the kid with autism, hard on the parents, and their siblings. When kids with autism are having are hard time, it can impact the family as a whole. For months, my son had been having an increasing amount of aggression, anxiety, and OCD which led to an increase in behaviors.
We had 8 TVs broken this year, over a dozen holes in the walls after being kicked or headbutted, and that’s not too mention the bites, scratches, and bruises my son left on himself and family members after daily meltdowns. We also had to get rid of our couch because it was causing him OCD-like meltdowns.
To be clear, my son is not at fault for any of these things as he simply cannot control these impulses right now. Like I said, autism is hard, and we do not blame him for any of this.
Breaking Free From Shame & Failure As An Autism Dad
It’s My Fault
I do not blame Ethan, his behavior, nor his challenges for our strained father/son relationship. This is completely my fault. I failed to handle it properly. I found myself losing my patience with him far more often than I’d like to admit.
Sometimes I would yell at him in the heat of the moment and even give him mean looks to show him how upset I was with him. Of course, I am quite ashamed of these things, and I always felt bad once things calmed down.
Trying To Make It Better
However, I always came back to him and apologized. I would tell him that I was sorry for yelling, and say something like, “it’s not your fault kiddo. Dad needs to do a better job taking care of you”.
This would end in a great big hug, and me telling him I love him about 5-10 times.
Not that this made my actions any better, but it was important for him to know that he was loved no matter what happened.
The Problem Is Not The Problem
There is a great quote from the movie, The Pirates of the Caribbean, where Captain Jack Sparrow says,
“The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem”.
Ethan’s behavior was not the problem. His autism was not the problem. My attitude and my mindset about these challenges were the problem. I recognized this, and that’s why I went seeking help.
Breaking Free From Shame & Failure As An Autism Dad
I Am A Good Dad, Right?
I started to read a book, that I had purchased almost a year ago, but never got around to reading, The Reason I Jump. This book is written by a 13-year-old boy with high-functioning autism, and it gave me great insight into the mind of my son.
A few minutes into reading this book, I stumbled across a passage that hit me right in the heart. This passage snapped me out of my state of anger and despair, and reminded me that I am better than I was behaving.
It reminded me that I am a good Dad, and it’s time I start acting like one.
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Finding Help, Inspiration, and A Shot In The Heart
As written by the author and 13-year-old boy with autism, the passage that hit me so hard is as follows:
“The hardest ordeal for us is the idea that we are causing grief for other people. We can put up with our own hardships, but the thought of our lives being the source of other people’s unhappiness, that’s plain unbearable.”
I Was A Failure As An Autism Dad
There it was. My inability to handle stress was causing my poor son even more pain. He was sad, and I sensed that. Unfortunately, I was unable to cope myself. Therefore, I was unable to comfort him and relieve him of that sorrow. Simply put, I failed him.
This one passage immediately stopped me from thinking of myself first, how unfair it was that I had to deal with this when other parents did not, and how his behavior was affecting me.
This Was My Wake Up Call
It stopped being about me and became about me supporting him. I never want to fail him so badly again. It was time to stop letting stress get the better of me, and go back to protecting my son from this negativity and give him the love and patience he deserved.
Breaking Free From Shame & Failure As An Autism Dad
I continued reading, and I was soon struck by another passage.
“We know we’re making you sad and upset, but it’s as if we don’t have any say in it. I’m afraid that’s the way it is. But, please don’t give up on us. We need your help.”
Brought To Tears
This piece brought me to tears. I did not give up on my son, nor will I ever lose hope and faith in him. However, I wondered if I made Ethan feel like I actually had given up on him? Is he even capable of thinking that??
Either way, I have seen him become upset after other people became upset with him, so I know he feels bad in these situations. This was the wake up call I needed.
Breaking Free From Shame & Failure As An Autism Dad
A New Day
As I laid my head on the pillow that evening, I said to myself,” tomorrow is a new day. It’s time to make Ethan feel the love I have for him and show him how important he is to me. I felt energized and excited to show my son that his Dad was back.
The next day I set out to greet him with a smile no matter how tired I felt when I woke up or how happy he was or was not. I was determined to show him patience, shower him with love, and remind him of the connection we share.
We’re Back
Wouldn’t you know it. Not only was Dad back, but my son’s big, bright, beautiful smile was back too!
Like all families, we still have our share of issues and bad moments, but the father/son bond we have will always endure.
That my son, is my promise to you!
Traditional Chinese Medicine For Today’s Ailments (HHF podcast #13)
Tiff
Thanks for being so transparent! This sounds a lot like my relationship with my 4 year old over the last several months. I started feeling like a failure because he was having many new sensory aversions, meltdowns, and extreme outbursts of anger. His constant screaming had me so on edge that I began yelling in response more often that I would like to admit. Of course I would apologize and explain that Mama needed to use some calming strategies too, and tell him how much I love him, but I kept feeling like a failure. His anger was often directed at me, but I knew it was simply because I’m his safe place. I have since lined up strategies to tackle his issues, respond more appropriately, and set daily goals and check-ins to make sure things don’t spiral out of control on MY end EVER again. Like you said, autism is just hard, period. As parents, we have to constantly be taking care of ourselves and our mental health, and tracking our kids’ behaviors to not let too many issues pile up at once. I’m so glad your relationship with your son is healing now, and very appreciative that you’ve put yourself out there like this, to help other parents who are struggling in the same boat. I hope this year is a wonderful year for your family!
imsimplyadad
Thank you Tiff! You’ve quite right about his anger being directed at you because you’re safe. Just like everyone (autism or not) we tend to take out our own issues on the people closest to us.
susan
All of us do not want to disappoint those we care about and who care about us. I think it’s harder on those who have a harder time expressing their feelings. Thanks for giving us parents an “it’s ok to not be perfect, but keep trying. They are worth it”.